


Like a ghost you walk by everyone you know

by 4amSolitude



Category: Twenty One Pilots
Genre: Anorexia, Bulimia, Eating Disorders, Gen, I am not even claiming this is good or accurate in any form, Josh Dun-centric, Mental Health Issues, happy-ish ending, tyler tries to help, vent fic
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-03-10
Updated: 2019-03-10
Packaged: 2019-11-15 02:58:59
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,467
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18065291
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/4amSolitude/pseuds/4amSolitude
Summary: 5 times Josh lost to his Eating Disorder and one Time he didn't.Content warning for Eating Disorders and the Description of these kind of behaviours.





	Like a ghost you walk by everyone you know

**Author's Note:**

> Title is from Friend, please by twentyone pilots
> 
> This is the first fic I finished writing and uploaded to the internet in about 10 years.  
> Un-betaed, just my way to vent my feelings out in the middle of the night, plus english is not my first language.

**1 –**

 

Josh is 16 when he starts counting calories.

It’s just because he needs to keep fit fort he track team, he tells his parents.

His coach told him to start doing that.

So he counts calories, and he counts exercise and he keeps a notebook to write it all down because that makes it easier to keep track of everything.

High School is stressful and Josh wonders if he can keep his GPA up, but the numbers keep him occupied.

Josh’s life becomes a lot of numbers. Calories taken in. Calories burned. Lapses run. Sit-ups and push-ups and squats and Grade-Point-Average and weight and grams of broccoli and the times he declined to hang out with his friends and the times his mother looks at him from across the room with worried eyes while he weighs slices of apples, but never says anything.

Numbers are easy. Numbers numb Josh’s mind, because numbers are easy to grasp. If he met the numbers he set for himself, life would become predictable. Calorie-deficit in relation to weight, GPA in relation to college admissions.

He tells his parents it’s just for track, that if he was good enough he may get a scholarship and so they let him be.

So it’s okay but then he realizes the scale is not the most accurate there is so he gets a new one. The new scale tells him the 230 grams of apple he has each morning are actually 243 gram.

Josh can’t sleep that night, full of worry what these extra 13 gram mean.

His mom still doesn’t say anything when he stops eating with their family.

Only when they go to mass on Sunday and Josh refuses to drink any of the wine, _because he already had 1510 calories yesterday and skipped his evening jog and that means his deficit was at least 280 calories smaller than he planned and he can’t can’t can’t let himself slip again and alcohol had too many calories anyway and who even decided that yu even have to consume calories at church?_ – Josh’s says that’s unhealthy and locks the scales in her room.

Josh cries himself to sleep and sneaks out of the house to run that night.

 

**2 –**

 

Josh is 18 when he graduates from high school.

He stayed on the track team but he was never one oft he stars. His GPA was okay, but he will never make the ivy league.

To him, this meant there was no guarantee that he would make it to college.

His parents allow him to take a gap year to figure himself out. They realize how hard high school was for him and don’t want him to go down that road again.

Once he gets a job at a music store and his first paycheck comes, Josh invests it in a drum kit and a scale.

If he can get the numbers right, he can control his life.

Josh is older and Josh has more freedom and thus his parents don’t keep as much of an eye.

Josh counts again, but instead of running he hits his drums and instead of skipping meals he eats with his family and shoves his fingers down his throat afterwards.

Josh found friends on the internet that told him how to do it. Most of them were girls, so Josh keeps to the side.

He didn’t want to be dainty and skinny, but he still wanted to disappear and finally get some _control._

When it gets colder and his family stays home more, Josh starts purging in bags and smuggling them out of the house when his siblings go to school and his parents go to work.

His head hurts constantly and he often gets heartaches, especially during drumming. Josh knows this is a bad sign, but whenever he tries to tell himself it’s okay to keep his dinner down he feels like he is about to lose his mind.

Josh doesn’t understand, why. Boys didn’t feel this way. _Boys didn’t get eating disorders._

 

**3 –**

 

Josh is 21 when he meets Tyler. Both of them have impossible dark circles under their eyes and don’t smile.

They get along great.

Tyler invites Josh to band practice and they all order pizza afterwards.

Josh doesn’t eat any and Tyler doesn’t comment.

When Tyler is around, Josh doesn’t feel the need to hide.

When Josh is around, Tyler doesn’t feel the need to sit still or look him in the eyes.

Neither comments.

After one oft he twentyone pilots shows he goes to grab drinks backstage with the other guys and in his drunken stupor he gives because, god, how he had missed pizza.

Tyler sees the way he suddenly bites his lip and tenses up. His gaze follows Josh when he gets up abruptly, stutters an excuse and leaves in the direction of the toilet.

Tyler follows and sits on the floor while he hears Josh cough and struggle.

„Josh“

The coughing stops and Tyler hears a back cracking when Josh stands up straight again.

Josh snuffles. „Please don’t tell anyone.“

„It’s okay, Josh.“

Tyler brings Josh a bottle of water and pats him on the shoulder. He is not god with people, but god and Josh know, he is trying hard.

 

They keep hanging out, and because they spend the majority of their days together, Tyler sees Josh cut Apples up into 15 parts and sort them into five pairs of three, and Josh sees Tyler take his pills in the morning and at night and rock himself whenever he gets nervous.

Josh starts carrying sunglasses and headphones and Tyler always has Apples and Cucumbers, in case Josh wants to eat.

 

A few weeks later, Tyler texts John and asks him to join his band and Josh says yes.

 

 

**4 –**

 

 Josh is 24 when they play their first concert overseas.

Spending so much time with Tyler has calmed is issues with food, but the tought of exposing himself and his body to so much. More. People. Scared him and he really wanted his numbers back.

Josh packs his scale into his luggage.

He spends the night at Tyler's place so none of them oversleeps and it’s easier to go to the airport.

When Josh unpacks his bag in their London Hotel room where they stay before going onto the tour bus, the scale is missing.

Josh punches a wall in anger and desperation but a tiny part of his brain knows Tyler is not to blame.

Josh just eats whatever is put in front of him during that tour circle and promptly vomits it back up.

He is suffering, his body is suffering and so is the rest of the crew.

The faint smell of vomit follows him everywhere and even though Josh is not to obvious, everyone knows and everyone keeps quiet.

When they are back in Columbus, Josh has a bad month.  
He doesn’t leave his apartment and fully flourishes in his binge-purge-sleep-cry-repeat circle.

Tyler drags him out of the apartment eventually, drags him to a doctor, drags him to a dentist.

He needs therapy, his blood results are pretty bad and so is the state of his teeth.

So Josh goes to therapy, Josh starts taking pills – Tyler gets him a cute pill organizer so he doesn’t forget – and Josh starts getting his blood checked regularly and his teeth fixed.

His eating habits become normal again, but on the inside, he is just as numb. Numb to the damage _it_ has already caused to his body and numb tot he way his family smiles when they finally see him again and he doesn’t look like death for the first time in years.

Josh wants his control back.

 

**5 –**

 

Josh is 28 when they play in their first arena.

The tickets are sold out months in advance and the night of the show Josh just feels sick with performance pressure.

They eat. Josh eats, too, because he wants to hit his drums as hard as possible for the crowd and for himself.

 

But Josh doesn’t want to keep it down. It’s been years but he stills yearns fort he solace of kneeling in front of a toilet bowl and feeling all that acid coming out of him.

Ist cleansing and it’s peaceful and _so fucking sick and disgusting_ if he would have been in his right mind.

_God, he is too old for this shit._

Tyler notices how tense Josh is and touches his hand.

„You don’t have to do this, you know? They will love you one way or another. Your calorie intake won’t determine how good this show will go.“

Josh knows. He knows but it still doesn’t come really through.

He lets Tyler distract him and keeps his food down.

He doesn’t need this anymore.

**Author's Note:**

> I hope this was not too bad.  
> Critique is always welcome.
> 
> Stay alive, frens |-/


End file.
